Off The Beaten Path

Okay, I admit it. I’ve totally slacked this week. What the heck?

I’ve been so motivated to get my ass in gear, and then life gets in the way. Wait, scratch that. I let life get in the way.

I started the week off awesome. Did my Insanity cardio and full body workout, and then BAM! Major wreckage. I mean, it’s like someone hit the emergency brakes on a speeding train. My calves went nuts on me after Monday’s workout, so I rested the next day…then I got no sleep that night, which made me crash yesterday after work.

I don’t know what to do. I have a trip to Cincinnati planned this weekend, too, so I know that’s not going to help me in any way. Unless I really try. I bet if I focused on eating the healthiest I possibly can on our trip, all the walking through the zoo and such will help me get all the activity I need.

My head is in the right place. I want it. Badly. I’ll be home Monday, and I can try and get a cardio session in that night. We’ll see what happens as far as what time we get in. I’m going to take the time in the car to plan out everything about my days. Workouts (already planned), food, schedules, everything.

I feel like my life is so unscheduled and wacky that it’s hard for me to “find time” to do things. I don’t manage my time well at all…and I need to work on that. I get distracted too easily as well. Put those two together and you’ve got one heck of a bad equation working against you.

As far as my mindset, here’s where I’m at: you know when you’re thinking about your future body and you think of an athletic, lean body…you think tight abs, long, lean legs, strong shoulders? The first thing that comes to mind for me recently: how badly I want to work so hard I feel pain. No lie. I want to crunch hard enough on the weighted crunches that I want to scream out loud. I want to put so hard on my chest presses that I want to cry. I want to feel the pain of working hard. I want to run far enough or fast enough or both enough that I’m sweating buckets. I want to walk out with drenched clothes. I want to look back on every workout and know I brought it. That’s the mindset I’m in. I want that. I want to put that work in. That was the whole idea behind my “Bring It Challenge”. I need to go back and revise it slightly.

I’m also quitting journaling on sites all together. No, not the blog. The fitness forums. I’ll use those for training tips if need be. There are so many reasons why I am leaving it, even though I started a new account and everything, but I need to. I want to focus on one thing only: the relationship between my body and me. So, I don’t need five million places to check into every day. I’m having a hard time managing time in the first place. I want to search out some inspiring blogs. Inspiring people. Surrounding myself with positive, healthy, motivated people is what I really need these days.

As I write this, I’ve been thinking about how I’ve changed over the past several months, and I have to say, my confidence is better. I don’t look at myself in disgust anymore, which is a relief. I’m starting to see myself in a different way, and instead of looking in the mirror and crying about how I look now, I actually look and see myself as the future me. I’ve dreamed about what I’ll look like. I know what I’ll look like.

I just need to get there.

And with hard work, I will.

After my spontaneous vacation to Cincinnati. Luckily, when I get back, it’ll be the beginning of a new month. Even better. I hate starting in the middle.

The 'Bring It' Challenge

Alright, no more effing around. Pardon me, but that's what it is.

It's time for me to see what I've got. It's time for me to prove myself wrong with a bunch of barf-worthy workouts, some serious discipline with my eating, and some self image overhauling.

First, I've started a new account on FitDay. I've decided that keeping track of my calorie intake is what I need to do in order to look out for myself. I'll be making a point to log in twice a day to update food: once after lunch, once after dinner.

Second, I'm starting a new workout schedule, and I'm hoping that it can get me into the mode of going to the gym/working out 6 times a week. I need to do this in order to get myself in the habit. Without the habit, I never make it a point to where working out is 'just part of my day'.

I'm also taking on some of the Insanity workouts as my source of cardio for the day. I am still training for a half marathon in the spring, so I will have some long runs worked into my routine.

I have a goal date in mind: to see how fit, strong, and healthy I can become by August 30th. Wait, why that date?

Because. I don't want to ring in my 28th birthday feeling the way I do. I've spent 28 years fighting bad diets, emotional attachment to food, lack of exercise, and genes. No more. I'm tired of it!!!

So. Here are my goals (with no deadlines!):

1. To make every workout worth it. To BRING IT.
2. To make sure I work out every day I'm scheduled to work out.
3. To first take a breath and think before I eat. Am I hungry? Do I really want to waste my hard work on this food?
4. To drink 3 liters of water a day. At least.
5. To reward myself with something other than food when I reach a goal.
6. To foam roll after EVERY workout.
7. To look in the mirror every morning and love myself out loud.

Month One:

Sundays: Rest/Yoga
Mondays: Full Body w/Abs, Cardio
Tuesdays: Long Run
Wednesdays: Full Body w/Abs
Thursdays: Short Run, Yoga
Fridays: Full Body w/Abs, Cardio
Saturdays: Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit

Wishful Thinking

I don't know if it's the time of year or what, but there's one thing I've noticed a lot of lately:

People comparing themselves to others: another woman in the gym, a sister, a celebrity, or someone they're friends with. It makes me aware of my own comparisons.

I almost always compare myself to my sisters. Why? Because they're the same blood...I should look like them, right? Not. They're 25 and 24. I'm 27, so the oldest. They're 5'3" and 5'1". I'm 5'8". They're small-framed, and I'm not. They have straight, perfect hair. I have wavy, coarse hair. They've got green eyes; I've got blue. The only thing we DO have in common, body-wise, is that all three of us have two kids each.

They're both thin. I'm still, as usual, like my entire life, struggling with my weight.

I'm constantly comparing myself to them, and what I'm beginning to notice is that I am not them. Nothing about the two of them, compared to me, is the same. They both gained twice the amount of weight with each of their pregnancies than I have with mine, and look at them now: thin, happy, and completely capable of walking into a store, trying something on, and not walk out crying. (Well, unless of course they're having a "fat" moment that every woman has on occasion.)

I don't, on a daily basis, compare myself with anyone, and this is a huge difference from when I was in high school. However, what I do do is wish a lot. I think about what I'll look like thin, what it'd be like to walk into a store and buy a piece of clothing without looking for everything with an empire waist, and what it'd be like to finally wear all of the clothes that I have in my closet waiting for the "thin Melissa" to show up.

It'd be so nice to not look in the mirror and see an overly flabby tummy.

I'm hormonal right now...this doesn't help.

I'm always getting geared up to do something and work hard, but I've been backing down again. This can't be a good sign. Why is it that when you think of what you'll look in the future after all the hard work, you lose sight of that soon thereafter? I don't know what my issue is.

I'm glad I've never really compared myself to anyone but my sisters...but what I realize is that wishful thinking, the kind where you start looking in the mirror and picking yourself apart, is no healthier. I need to start making wiser decisions and get a move on. I'm tired of this sad feeling...and I need to start being stronger. For myself.

Jumping Hurdles

I'm feeling badass these days! Why?

I'll tell you why.

I had a great discussion with a friend, Isabel, about my workouts. I've never been able to figure out how to come up with an optimal plan that will get me to where I want to be. Sure, everyone can randomly do a lat pulldown or a chest press, but when and how do you do them in a way that will actually get you to a point where you're feeling and seeing your muscles get stronger?

She helped me understand the difference between certain movements, the block program, and bunches of other things. Basically, together we got a fantastic program put together for me, and after one day of trying the full body routine, I was feeling amazing.

Of course I go to do the second day, and viola! I get a call from my mother-in-law saying Madelyn has a really high fever.

So much for a workout!

After thinking about it, I don't mind starting all over again on Monday.

Here's where I jumped a major hurdle: I did squats in front of everyone at the gym. Yes, you heard me. I DID SQUATS! IN FRONT OF PEOPLE! Woo hoo!

I almost didn't, though...I actually looked over at the free weights section, saw two dudes standing there, and walked into the bathroom. I didn't have to use it. I could have gone into the locker room and stay there, but I didn't. I walked into the locker room and went straight for the bathroom. I felt like if I did that, anyone watching me would think I had left the room with a purpose.

Um. Hello. Now that I repeat that statement on paper, I have said to myself, "Do you really think anyone is watching you enough that you need to prove you had a purpose in leaving the gym!?"

Silly. Totally and utterly silly. No one cares about me that much. I'm a stranger there. I don't go around watching the people in the gym. I might glance at them, but I pay attention to my workout. Not the people. Hi, silly...so does everyone else.

Anyways, I looked in the mirror and said to myself, "If you don't do it now, when you have to, you'll never do it, and you'll never get to wear you want to be."

I walked out of the bathroom, through the locker room, and I grabbed the 30-pound dumbbells. And I did two sets of ten. I caught someone looking at my butt. Nerves kicked in, but I looked away and up, and busted the last set out.

I spent ten minutes in the locker room cooling down. I worked myself hard that day. Harder than ever.

This is the second instance in my life, when it comes to fitness, that I've realized it's all in your mind. Your mentality is what will decipher if you survive. If you think you can't, you won't. If you think you can, you will. You have to jump that mental hurdle, and tell yourself it's stupid to not do something for a reason as silly as "people watching you".

I'm ready to conquer this weight loss battle. I'm ready to start seeing some muscle growth. I'm ready to start feeling the energy that comes with those two goals. I'm ready to start feeling better, stronger, and happier.

A Procrastinated Fresh Start

You know, I'd like to ask one question: why is it that when you take a break from watching what you eat to enjoy food without "worrying" about it, it's so dang hard to get back into the groove? This is just one thing I'm trying to conquer today...and it doesn't seem to be going well.

I'm currently starting a new blog, because I feel the need to freshen things up. I need to organize my life, get my head out of the clouds and into a serious zone. I need to manage my time in better ways that I do currently, because honestly, this is not cutting it.

First of all, I need to start planning things ahead of time. I'm not talking vacation plans or even plans for the weekend. I'm talking about planning meals, planning chores, planning projects. There's so much for a momma like me to take care of, and I'm so overwhelmed that things get backed up. I procrastinate. I make budgets I don't follow. I make workout plans I don't follow.

I started a new shift at work, starting at 6:30AM and ending at 2:30PM. Talk about relief. I got off today on time, got some diaper, filing system, and random shopping done, talked to my mom for an hour in the parking lot while picking up my girls, and came home and got a couple of things done. All before 6:ooPM. This is fabulous!!!!

My plans for now are to start getting in the groove of hitting the gym right after work. I won't have the excuse now. I was trying to wake up at 4:30AM in order to hit the gym, but, like most, I had the internal debate. The reasoning "the kids slept through the night...catch up on your sleep" always wins. Well, almost always. Now I have to wake up. I used to do this shift before my newest baby, Maddie, was born, and it allows for me to run any errands I have to get done on a weekday. Hello...why in the world do we all work until 5:00PM and the banks and post office close then, too? I mean, I bet 75% of the world works until then...so why not keep the darn things open for the workin' peeps?

As for my eating issue...I have plans to go pretty strict on the clean eating. Go ahead...make fun of me you "experienced" ones. Tell me it's not necessary to eat clean all the time or that everyone goes right for the "eating clean" in order to lose weight. Tough crap, man. I'm not doing it for a "quick fix". I'm not doing it because I was told to. I'm doing it because that's when I feel the best. I feel lighter. Calmer. More nourished. More hydrated.

Problem is, I'm craving "bad" things. Cookies. Rich dishes. BEEF. Part of it is monthly issues, haha, but I visited my sister this past weekend, and let me tell you...I had the best Blackened Chicken and Goat Cheese Quesadilla ever. Why is it that when we eat like doo doo, we want more? I mean, I feel like crap: sluggish, heavy, bloated, you name it. I can feel the difference in my body the second I eat poorly. Why do I want more?

Hopefully I can get this under control...I almost feel the need to "cleanse." Down a million glasses of cleaning product. Sweat some gravy.

I have a lot of things to get under control these days, and I have no plans in the near future. No trips. No parties. Nothing. Just plenty of time to get things done.

Oh. I just remembered...I have mutant dandelions growing in my garden.

Time to weed.