Habitual Habit Making & Breaking

I have a bad habit: constantly breaking habits and making habits.

After my wonderful Saturday morning of finding out my weight loss was great for the week and that running is definitely my new love and reason for the ease of this said weight loss, I was bad.

First, nibble nibble nibble. Bad Mess, BAD! Second, I downed maybe a liter of water each day.

I researched on several websites what people consider the optimal time it takes to break a bad (or good!) habit. The longest I saw was six weeks...but it was never less than 28 days, or 4 weeks.

It's been a week of consistency for me. Consistent meals, consistent water intakes, consistent working out. Look at all the the success that brought me! 7 pounds down, better skin, control over my appetite. Then, after my meeting and workout Saturday morning, I boo booed. I added fruits to my diet via a shake...strawberries, a banana, and a cup of almond milk. I had this along with my egg white scramble with feta, spinach, and tomatoes. THEN I skipped lunch. Bad idea.

I was starving by dinner, devoured sushi (albeit, it was low cal sushi), and I sipped a few sips of milkshake from H. The next day was worse...and a rest day to boot. Nibbles here, nibbles there...complete lack of control. And VERY little water. I couldn't break myself out of the slump!!! I was surprised to see I didn't go over my points (and a few extra points I'm allowed a week anyway).

However, I'm up 2 pounds. BAH!!!! Hello, lack of water = water retention.


I've learned my lesson, and I've already downed 2 liters today. I'm also right on track with meals.

This is what I've learned:

I have a habit of trying to get into GOOD habits, and then breaking them.
I have a habit of trying to get out of BAD habits, and then making them. Again.

I have the "Dieter's Syndrome" of doing really well, doing poorly for one meal, and then being bad for an entire day. Hello, time to stop the insanity...it's time to bring the problem to a halt the MOMENT I know it's destroying my efforts. Not "tomorrow".

I have also learned that I need to figure out how to do the following:

Keep with the habits I have during the week. If I'm out during lunch, at least have a snack ready for that time. If I don't keep myself satisfied, I binge or nibble.

I need to have a PLAN. Without a plan, I'm in trouble.

Remove desserts from the house. With them in the house, I go for them. If they're there, they call my name. If they aren't, I don't think about them.

Carry my water bottle with me at all times. No explanation needed.

DO NOT skip meals. Again, no-brainer.

In order for me to get out of the habit of nibbling and into the habit of consistently drinking water...I need at least 30 days.

A Bag Of Sugar & A 2-lb. Dumbbell Lighter

Weight Watchers is my new best friend!!

Feeling free makes things SO much easier. After deciding to scrape a few things off my plate into the trash can, I've been able to focus on some very important things: my health and my happiness.

After deciding to restart Weight Watchers, I also put my foot down and told myself not to wuss out and ignore the fact that I desperately needed to incorporate more exercise into my life. Not just because it helps me lose weight, but because it makes me feel a million times better. It also helps me make better choices.

Case in point: evenings. I have a tendency to snack. The second I get home, especially when the hubby isn't there yet, I want to head to the fridge or the cabinets. WHY!?!? I must have gotten myself into the habit of doing so. What I noticed this week, is that even though it's so much harder to hit the gym after work, it prevents me from thinking about the cabinets. I work 6:30AM-2:30PM, and I'm at the gym by 3:15PM if traffic's flowing smoothly. By the time I get out, get the kids, and get home, it's time to make dinner. On my rest day this week...the snacking was SO much more tempting. Eye opener right there. It's not hunger, it's habit.

I got 4 runs in this week, totaling 9 miles. (3, 1, 3, 2.) I got two full body lifting sessions in towards the end of the week. Along with counting points, I lost 7 pounds. 209.4 down to 202.6. (Okay, I'm giving myself the 0.2 pounds. Haha.)

That's a bag of sugar


AND a 2-lb. dumbbell lighter.

I wonder what's in store for me this week???

All I know is that my last run was incredible until my iPod died. I lost my train of thought that day. Here's what I'm going to try to do this week: add a mile on. I somehow focused in on the shadow of a diver in the Gulf on CNN that day and forgot to look at the time or distance on the treadmill. I kept thinking about my post weight loss body. I kept thinking about how much I've already accomplished and how in control I feel. Something was so refreshing about that run. Until the iPod died. I need to learn how to meditate when I run...I literally lost my train of thought when it turned off. I might make my speed runs iPod free to get myself less dependent.

This week's goals:
1. Lose the last 2 lbs. of my 200s. I'm RIGHT. THERE.

2. Even on "rest days", get myself to the gym for a mile run. I need to reprogram my mind. I don't want to feel panicky on days I'm resting...snacking gets me nowhere.

3. Keep strong and right on track all days this week...my best friend arrives Wednesday night, and she's a partier. She's an eater (and 5'1", and wears Gap KIDS clothing if she wants to). I need to stay in control...especially after using some of my weekly points for SUSHI last night!
4. Go to my meeting and the gym Saturday morning, regardless of what shenanigans I get into on Friday night. (DANCING!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!) (If I don't get to the gym, then it might be okay...dancing for hours on end can count!)

Here's to a fantastic second week!!!!

When You Let Yourself Free

Do you ever wake up one day and realize you've made the best decision for yourself ever?

Cue this morning. And yesterday morning. And the morning before.

I woke up on July 1st, weighing 209.4 pounds. After the quick consult with my pal Lisa, haha, I decided to hit the points counter. I was extremely scared of counting calories. At this point in my life, I don't have the time to measure, cut, weigh EVERY single morsel of food I put in my mouth. Besides, I knew WW's point system already from a previous 16-pound loss.

I woke up this morning and weighed myself 5 days into the program. 6.4 pounds down. No lie. That's with exercise and eating every last point I'm allowed. (They pick points for your weight, based on a 500 calorie a day deficit. If I'm burning an extra 500 a day, then guess what? That's a 2 pound loss for each week. Easy. PERFECT.)

I'm 2.5 pounds from being lighter than 200 pounds. WHAT!? It's RIGHT there! I can taste it! I can FEEL it! My pants are about to fall off. My shirts are fitting better. My energy is sky-rocketing.

Not only am I feeling great about my food, but I'm LOVING my motivation to run. I've accomplished two 3-mile runs in the past 3 days. I'm feeling the energy it's giving me, my legs are feeling stronger, my form is so much better, and I've increased my pace. I'll be ready for those half marathons next season for sure. I am promising myself some serious promises now.

1. I promise to stop thinking I can't do it. I CAN do it. I HAVE done it. I WILL do it.

2. I promise to remind myself of how much I deserve to be healthy and happy.

3. I promise to live my life in the most carefree, enjoyable way possible. I promise to live life as if I were looking through my girls' eyes.

4. I promise to keep in touch with my close friends and family more. To write love letters to my husband.

5. I promise, more than anything, to be a happy, healthy, energetic example for my children.

I feel like I made a decision that freed me mentally. I happy. I'm excited. I've cut down on my portions in more ways than one: my plate is filled, but the size of the plate is smaller these days. People are right when they say everything is okay in moderation...and that includes the amount of stress you place on yourself to be "Superwoman".

I'm looking forward to weigh-in day on Saturday!

Warning, Construction Zone!

Yes, I went missing. However, I have returned!

It's been a hard couple of weeks for me...lots of craziness going on around me, and well, I hit a point where I didn't know what to do with myself as far as my weight loss/running/diet goes.

See, I've been trying to count calories. Wait, let's rewind a little.

First, let me give you a list of things I worry about every day:

Kids.
Husband.
Our house.
The gym.
Blogs. (This one and AngelFoodie...and then there's the family one I haven't updated since March.)
Posting in Oxygen.
My job. (Obviously this isn't in any order.)
Counting calories.
My therapy journal.
My two-hour commute.
My new side job as a freelance journalist.

I am constantly trying to do all of the above perfectly. When that doesn't happen, I'm terribly down on myself. I am setting myself up for disappointment! Why? Who knows...I think in my own head, I'd prefer to be superwoman (or look like superwoman) than do so much less, but better.

Not anymore. I decided to start taking my life back.

Currently, this is what's on my plate (in order) after that (hopefully) life-changing decision I made yesterday:

Family.
Our house.
My job.
The gym.
My therapy journal.
Weight Watchers meetings.
Blogs. (This one and the family one I haven't updated since March.)

A little explanation. I cut the recent decision to freelance from my list. While I feel accomplished in getting the job, I can't see myself being clear-minded enough to come up with local foodie articles every day. I have so much going on at work that it's hard for me to take a break to write. When I write, I'm super detailed. Every word must be spelled correctly, grammar must be superb...(okay, there's an occasion misstep, sure). I don't have the time. I don't know how I thought I did.

Family is ALWAYS first and foremost important. Of course. No explanation needed there, but I have to say, I need to start focusing on my time with them. I will help myself through this tremendously by cutting down on what I think I need to be handling. The house. I've figured out that I just need a daily plan/to-do list! Cross 'em off, baby...laundry once a day, non-Roomba vacuuming on weekends, etc...

I was having a seriously hard time with what to do with my big blog, AngelFoodie Eats. It has gotten me to "Featured Publisher" status on FoodBuzz. I LOVE to cook. I love to hear that my food is delicious. I LOVE that I am "important enough" to be a featured publisher. I was holding onto it, because I felt...important. I was starting to feel overwhelmed. Gotta come up with new recipes! Gotta take pictures! Gotta write! Gotta get more traffic.

Screw that. Too much stress.

Oxygen...I've met a few wonderful ladies there, but after starting a new journal, AGAIN, there, I found there's something making me cringe. The negativity. For instance, new journal. It got rated 5 stars. Cool! Then someone came through and downrated it with a 1, making it a 3.

Childish.

Even though I don't give a rat's ass who did it or that it was done...here's what I do care about:

Maturity. Support. Friendship. Respect.

Here's where I rant:

A fitness forum is supposed to be a form of support. Somewhere a person can go to, vent, ask questions, make friends, get ideas, and just be. Sometimes you come across a person that needs more support, at the time, than he or she can give at the time. Like me. I go in there, vent, journal workouts, etc. I wish I had time to go in everyone else's journals and comment. I just very rarely have the time. So, sure, I shouldn't expect much traffic. However, my traffic shouldn't include someone who goes out of his or her way to sabotage the positive, supportive feeling someone gets out of a place like that. I don't know...I guess some people need to do stuff like that to validate themselves? Anyway, the rating doesn't matter to me...what does is that I'm looking for a mature audience. Haha. So, I've decided to just stick to my lovely blog. I just don't have a good feeling about that place anymore...

Now it comes down to calorie counting. I've heard too many times of how calorie counting has caused people to become obsessive. (This sort of brings me back to Oxygen...I'm finding that the people that cause the issues around there are of the obsessive type.) First, I don't have the time. I barely have time to cut my own vegetables, let alone weigh them. Haha. Second, I can't remember all the numbers. I can't seem to figure out where my thresholds are: what's too high? what's too low? I'm too all over the place, and something's been telling me not to do this. Oh, that's right...it's my gut...feeling.

So, after my friend Lisa mentioned Weight Watchers...I remembered the success that I had with it. I remembered how easy it was for me to lose 16 pounds in a month. I remember how good it felt to know I actually HAD to stay accountable, because someone was weighing me. I didn't feel ashamed walking in there. I felt renewed...

So yesterday, I rejoined.

What a perfect day to join, too...this is for another post. A fresh post!

A Goal Without A Plan Is Just A Wish (6/17/10)

LOVE the quote that is my post title so much that I made it just that!!!

SO.
As I mentioned yesterday, I was watching Losing It and did my pilates and yoga...and it dawned on me how wonderful I felt afterward. I thought, "Okay, so those people on 'Losing It' can do it, and they didn't do it with one workout a day. Now it's time to get into action."

I'm tired of seeing results extremely slow...granted, sure, the results will remain results, but I know that if I put my mind to it, eat well, and workout hard without overdoing it, I can see results faster. How am I going to do that without wearing myself out, you ask?

Here's how:

This was the plan at the beginning of the week:

Sunday: Rest
Monday: FB & Cardio
Tuesday: Yoga
Wednesday: FB & Cardio
Thursday: Rest
Friday: FB & Cardio
Saturday: Long run

What is it now??

Sunday: Rest (COMPLETE)
Monday: FB & Cardio (COMPLETE)
Tuesday: Pilates & Yoga PM (COMPLETE)
Wednesday: FB, Cardio AM/ Pilates & Meditation PM (COMPLETE)
Thursday: Yoga & Meditation PM
Friday: FB, Cardio AM (Camping For Father's Day PM)
Saturday: Camping For Father's Day (Hiking, Fishing, Swimming?)

Want to know the results? Almost 2" off my waist.

I'm busting my tubby little ass. Haha.

I feel great, but I'm super sore. My abs are burning, and luckily, they'll get a break this weekend.

My plan for next week is to up my runs some more...I'm trying to get to 3-4 miles comfortably several times a week before I really start working on adding distance. We'll see how it goes!

As far as food goes, I've decided I'm going to experiment:

Fresh fruits, fresh veggies, lean protein (local!), and minuscule amounts of whole wheat pastas/rices. Basically, I'm going to cut out anything boxed. I'm going to steer clear of cookies, cakes, ice cream, etc...I want to see exactly how "perfect" I can get my diet...

...Which will be tested tonight. My grandma's birthday is tonight, and of course that means pizza and cake.
Not for this chick...a salad and lean meat and NO cake!!! I love that this is happening for me right now, because it'll put me to the test. How strong is my willpower?? How bad do I want this weight to come off?

You'll find out tomorrow!!!

Non-Fat Fun

I already blew that gift card. Yikes! Oh well...I did buy some things that I deserve (including the books I bought the other day), and I did use it to fund my girls' weekend with my friend Amanda. (I went to DC over the weekend, and it was a much needed, deserved, satisfying break, I must say!)

While I loved that I got away from it all, what I loved even more was that I looked forward to getting home to my husband and my girls. H and I saw "Sex and The City 2" the night it came out, and part of the movie dealt with taking a 2-day break from a marriage. By the end of the movie, the characters that didn't agree with it, believed in it.

I see what the movie meant now. I hadn't had a weekend "off" from my relationship (hello, I never take breaks from my marriage) with my husband since we met. That's 6 years. 3 of which involve taking care of children. While I never feel burdened by any of my duties, feelings, etc., I do need a break from time to time. Why? Because everyone needs rest. We sleep at night to give our bodies a rest. We need to give our minds a rest, too. Spend some time on ourselves.

I let my husband play games with his buddy from time to time. I agree to him taking off for 20 minutes on his dirt bike randomly. He goes on sporadic camping trips with my dad. I now understand why that's good for him.

Don't get me wrong. I missed kissing and nibbling on baby cheeks. I missed hearing Hannah belt out random songs or make me laugh when she gets an attitude and doesn't know what she means by it. I missed snuggling up to my husband at night. It was all worth it knowing I came home feeling refreshed, relaxed, and not so overwhelmed. I'm sure he knows what I mean.

Anyways, back to the gift card...
I bought two new dresses, some bracelets, and a flower for my hair from H&M.
How do you like 'em!? I love them, and they're both in small sizes to help motivate me...I'll be seeing the non-fat version of me soon.

(PS: Lost a pound over the weekend, too. That doesn't normally happen on vacation!)

Last night, I watched "Losing It" with Jillian. Hello, motivation!

Not only is Jillian freaking AMAZING...

...but her energy is contagious. Last night it was about a family involving a single mom with two girls (in their 20s) and a son. The son was a focus of the show (that always makes me feel bad), but the mother and two daughters were: for their fear of trust and issues with body image.

In short, the ending was amazing. And by amazing, I mean amazing. Both daughters are my size. Well, were. They gave themselves a 30-40 pound weight loss goal for 8 weeks. One even said she'd just like to be a size 6. The mother gave herself a 20 pound weight loss goal, but Jill bumped it to 40.

Needless to say, the daughters did it, and they looked amazing. The mother, on the other hand, exceeded expectations by losing 74 pounds.

Hello. Why can't I do that?!?!

So even though I set Tuesday as a rest day, it motivated me to get my ass up off the couch and do pilates and yoga as I had hoped to do that day.

It then dawned on me.

I felt amazing. There's that word again.

I remember back in college, I did a summer of pilates, and I was at my most flexible, most sound, and most happy. (Well, second most happy...I was happier with my body my last semester of college.)

Anyways, pilates, a lunar mediation, forward bends, and shavasana combined, and I was IN. HEAVEN.

Not to mention I got to show off my cobbler's pose!!

So, with the discovery of how relaxed, loosed up, and wonderful I felt last night after 45 minutes of heavenly pilates/yoga, I've decided on something: I have a new set of goals. Stay tuned...this'll get me feeling like I'm on the set of "Losing It" with Jillian.

Almost Abyssal

Self Worth.

It's a deep topic, and it's one of the hardest topics to discuss, too. Why? Because it's taboo. Or so it seems. No one wants to admit that the have low self esteem. No one wants to admit that they don't love themselves...but what's even harder, at least in my opinion, is learning to love yourself the way you should.

Have you ever had someone tell you to "hug yourself in the mirror"? Have you ever heard someone look in the mirror and, out loud, talk themselves up? I do neither of those things. Most of the time, when I look in the mirror, it doesn't involve negative talk, but it doesn't involve positive reinforcement, either.

What it does involve is "I won't look like this soon" comments.

What brings me to talk about this subject is an incident with my husband last week. I won't get into marital details, for the sake of privacy, but I will say that low self worth is a huge burden on my marriage.

I don't believe in myself most days. I don't feel like I deserve half of what I have in my life. I feel like people are my friends out of pity. I feel like my husband is obligated to compliment me, because he's my husband. Same with my family. My family (and I mean everyone) tells me I'm smart...I don't see it. When someone helps me clean the house or take care of something, I feel like it's because I haven't done it well enough. I feel like I don't fit in at work. I've tried being myself. I've tried being what I thought other people wanted me to be.
I know this is all bogus crap. I shouldn't feel this way. There are tons of things that actually lead me to think this way, all dating back to when I was little, but I can tell you...it's very sad that the idea of hugging myself or loving myself out loud makes me cringe. It makes me feel stupid and silly. It makes me nervous - scared my husband will walk in and laugh at me.

I picked up a few books this weekend with my gift card from work. Along with two new "fit into" dresses, a yoga mat bag, some new running shorts in a smaller size, some flip flops, and some other goodies.

The books?

"Learning To Love Yourself", "Creating Your Best Life: The Ultimate Life List Guide", "The Self Esteem Guided Journal: A Ten Week Program", and "365 Yoga: Daily Meditations". Call me the crazy, self help lady, but you know what? I owe it to myself and to my family and friends to start healing.

So far, I've read part of the first one, but I haven't gotten to the part on how to start changing my mindset. I do know I fit the profile of someone needing to really help herself...because I put all of my efforts to love and please into my family and friends, and never into myself. This doesn't mean I will be ignoring anyone now...it just means I need to help myself and believe in myself for a change. Take a break when I need it. You know...the things that are obvious to happy people.
From here on out, you'll be seeing random posts about what I'm learning, because sometimes, people don't know to look for help...or they are too embarrassed. Why not share what I'm learning? Maybe it'll help someone find themselves, too.

Playing Catch Up

Wowee. I have so much to catch up on!!

First, I apologize for the hiatus. It's been a bit hectic lately. Being a mom can throw some major curve balls in my direction, and I've been scrambling to catch them.

For example, I received a frantic phone call from my husband yesterday, panicking and asking where I should take our 11-month old daughter, Maddie, for an emergency...she fell on the asphalt and was passing out. That's all I got.

So, in typical mom fashion, I teared up, ran to my boss, explained, and drove 90mph down the highway, hazards on, tears rolling down my cheeks. The thought of something happening to my baby killed me. Fortunately, after a million calls to my husband and my mother-in-law, one of them finally called me back with news that she was up, playing, and had just had a CAT scan done.

She's all bruised up, but luckily, my baby's little brain is okay.


God forbid anything happens to her. I don't know what I would have done then, and I still don't know what I would do now or in the future.

The short version of what happened? My mother-in-law had her wrapped in a towel after playing in the pool, went to stand up, and Maddie fell out of the towel, head first. The pool now resides in the grass.

On top of that, she had a well-baby checkup last week that resulted in me finding out that there's an extra 'whoosh' in her heartbeat, so upon her next visit, they'll be checking it to make sure it hasn't changed.

After the ER visit in Cincinnati, this, and the ER visit yesterday, Madelyn's put me through enough heart-stopping moments before she's even a year old...I'm ready for a break.

Anyways, be ready for a good post tonight...lots of deep stuff, fun stuff, and healthy stuff to talk about!

Just When You Think Fortune Cookies Are A Hoax...

About a month ago, I came across a fortune that I stuck up on my refrigerator. Why? This wasn't just any fortune...this was a very important fortune that came at a time when I needed it to. Granted, thanks to life, I haven't been great about getting myself worked into a lifestyle that will guarantee this fortune...but seeing it again two nights ago seriously pumped me up.


How's THAT for a fortune, people!?!

What's even better is that I received a gift from work yesterday. After all of the role-hopping and extra work I've put in, they decided to reward some of us with a gift card. See, we met a milestone a month early. The reward amount?

A $500 VISA gift card!

So see...fortune cookies aren't a hoax all of the time. Hehe. I plan to save that card for some shopping when I hit my goals. I believe I deserve it, and luckily, the hubby feels the same way. Gotta love him!!

Speaking of new clothes, there are two dresses I bought in small sizes for when I reach goals. These dresses are hanging in plain view all the time...and I'm starting to feel an itch to wear 'em.

I need to take a better picture of them. They're AWESOME!

I can't write much more right now (I had to tell you about the fortune!), but I have a pretty deep blog post to put up in a little bit after I get in some yoga. Be on the lookout...

Goals For Week Of 6/1/10

Goals time!

Since I was interrupted by the disaster vacation, I have several "get on track" plans for this week:

1. Debloat.

• Up my water intake.
• Have a detox juice. (Made with fresh veggies and fruit and my own juicer.)
• Eat as clean as possible.

2. Plan a healthy menu for the rest of the week, including lunches.

3. Start my workout program. Time to feel some burn. (By the end of the week, I want my body sore all over.)

4. Weigh in Saturday, along with measurements. This gives me time to debloat from the trip.

An Epiphany Amidst A Disaster Weekend

Oh how I am grateful that I have survived this weekend.

As a quick recap, it all began with a minute, yet completely inconvenient boo boo: we left the diaper bag somewhere between Bob Evans and Wendy's. Not sure which state we were in, but we stopped, for the fiftieth time, for Hannah to go potty, at a McDonald's. Now normally, Herrick would gladly get a sweet tea, but, alas, he decided to go against the norm. We moved Hannah's seat to right behind Herrick so she could watch her movie in comfort (as opposed to leaning over Maddie's seat), and viola! The orphaned diaper bag was left sitting in the same spot it was placed - right by the tire. And we didn't even have a receipt for a sweet tea that could lead us back to the same place on the way back to pick it up.

Hello, $130 replenishment fund.

We got to see lots of family the next day, and that was so great! We haven't seen his side of the family in about 4 years, and it was about time we made it up there. I've never seen Cincinnati! And that is still true...

...Because it ends up that I stayed back on Sunday after discovering that Madelyn had a fever that wouldn't break with Tylenol OR Motrin. By the time Herrick returned with Hannah, went out and got dinner, and came back to the room, it was 8:30PM, and Madelyn was a hot 105 degrees. (We think a little cooler than that, but after that reading, we weren't playing!) Off to the nearest urgent care facility we go!

Now, what could be more perfect than a UC visit, than one with some interesting folk? Enter the "Dualy Couple". A special blonde and her maybe boyfriend enter the room, he's got a cut-off shirt with a mega tear in the back and an ace bandage around his wrist and hand. He starts to complain about the pain (now, who saw that coming?), and about how he went to the ER a week and a half ago, got x-rayed, and sent home with meds, but he hasn't slept in 4 days, because of the pain. Apparently, he ran out of meds. Wait, scratch that, he decided to change his story - they ran over it. Complete with the description of the "dualy truck" that ran it over. Refusal of service in 5, 4, 3...you get the picture.

Then there's the 16 year old sitting next to me complaining that she can't even sit it hurts so bad.

Hmm. I'm dying to find out if what I'm thinking is correct.

Luckily, while waiting in an actual room, I got to hear it through the wall: honey, we're pregnant. You got it.

Man oh man. It turns out Madelyn broke her fever at the office, but she's got a nasty little ear infection. Thanks "Jack that LOVES pickles" (Hannah's description of her friend)!!! We really appreciate that snot you sneezed on Hannah last week!

$145 goes to Dr. Johnston and his clan...

Oh wait, I almost forgot! While paying for that ordeal, I get a phone call from Herrick. He's out in the car with Hannah and he yells into the phone, "We've got to get out of here! I just pulled a tack out of the side wall of my tire! If we don't leave now, we'll be stranded here!"

After a morning (saved by his sister) of searching for an open tire place that actually carries Herrick's of course rare tire, we found one and got out of the hotel 15 minutes before the late checkout time of 1PM.

$165 for a replacement tire.

After nearly $500 in emergency costs, I'm home and ready to forget the weekend's stress.

There's one thing I did learn this weekend, and that was a great moment of clarity for me. I chowed this weekend. A ton. On lots of good food. It was after a Montgomery Inn entree of two pork chops, onion straws (OMG), a sweet potato, and some Saratoga Chips, I mentally looked back on my intake. I didn't feel guilty. I was stuffed to the max, though.

And it hit me.

I mentally mushed all of that chewed up food into a ball. I pictured it sitting in my stomach, making me bulge outward, and realized something:

Even though I can fully, without guilt, enjoy a enormous plate of amazing food, I know the reason I gain weight. I know it's obvious, but I actually pictured it.

The human stomach, on a normal basis, is about 10 inches long and holds about 50mL of food. That's about 1.65 ozs. of food when it's empty. The normal expansion (to the "full" feeling) is to 1L, which is about 33 ozs. of food. Now, imagine how much food it takes to fill a normally expanded stomach! The average serving size of lean mean is between 4-5 ozs. I was full when I left the restaurant, which means I probably ate a good 33 oz. of food. That is not normal. That is why I'm overweight.

I just pictured what that amount of food looked like in my stomach, and thought, "No wonder."

Having this hallelujah moment helped me in so many ways. I've always known that being "full" wasn't good. That eating that much food, even if it's healthy food, isn't good. It's calorie intake that determines weight gain and loss, of course along with activity levels, but thinking about how many times I've been full in my life really opened my eyes. I was eating well over 33 ozs. of food at each meal, and that was the reason why I'm where I'm at right now.

Off The Beaten Path

Okay, I admit it. I’ve totally slacked this week. What the heck?

I’ve been so motivated to get my ass in gear, and then life gets in the way. Wait, scratch that. I let life get in the way.

I started the week off awesome. Did my Insanity cardio and full body workout, and then BAM! Major wreckage. I mean, it’s like someone hit the emergency brakes on a speeding train. My calves went nuts on me after Monday’s workout, so I rested the next day…then I got no sleep that night, which made me crash yesterday after work.

I don’t know what to do. I have a trip to Cincinnati planned this weekend, too, so I know that’s not going to help me in any way. Unless I really try. I bet if I focused on eating the healthiest I possibly can on our trip, all the walking through the zoo and such will help me get all the activity I need.

My head is in the right place. I want it. Badly. I’ll be home Monday, and I can try and get a cardio session in that night. We’ll see what happens as far as what time we get in. I’m going to take the time in the car to plan out everything about my days. Workouts (already planned), food, schedules, everything.

I feel like my life is so unscheduled and wacky that it’s hard for me to “find time” to do things. I don’t manage my time well at all…and I need to work on that. I get distracted too easily as well. Put those two together and you’ve got one heck of a bad equation working against you.

As far as my mindset, here’s where I’m at: you know when you’re thinking about your future body and you think of an athletic, lean body…you think tight abs, long, lean legs, strong shoulders? The first thing that comes to mind for me recently: how badly I want to work so hard I feel pain. No lie. I want to crunch hard enough on the weighted crunches that I want to scream out loud. I want to put so hard on my chest presses that I want to cry. I want to feel the pain of working hard. I want to run far enough or fast enough or both enough that I’m sweating buckets. I want to walk out with drenched clothes. I want to look back on every workout and know I brought it. That’s the mindset I’m in. I want that. I want to put that work in. That was the whole idea behind my “Bring It Challenge”. I need to go back and revise it slightly.

I’m also quitting journaling on sites all together. No, not the blog. The fitness forums. I’ll use those for training tips if need be. There are so many reasons why I am leaving it, even though I started a new account and everything, but I need to. I want to focus on one thing only: the relationship between my body and me. So, I don’t need five million places to check into every day. I’m having a hard time managing time in the first place. I want to search out some inspiring blogs. Inspiring people. Surrounding myself with positive, healthy, motivated people is what I really need these days.

As I write this, I’ve been thinking about how I’ve changed over the past several months, and I have to say, my confidence is better. I don’t look at myself in disgust anymore, which is a relief. I’m starting to see myself in a different way, and instead of looking in the mirror and crying about how I look now, I actually look and see myself as the future me. I’ve dreamed about what I’ll look like. I know what I’ll look like.

I just need to get there.

And with hard work, I will.

After my spontaneous vacation to Cincinnati. Luckily, when I get back, it’ll be the beginning of a new month. Even better. I hate starting in the middle.

The 'Bring It' Challenge

Alright, no more effing around. Pardon me, but that's what it is.

It's time for me to see what I've got. It's time for me to prove myself wrong with a bunch of barf-worthy workouts, some serious discipline with my eating, and some self image overhauling.

First, I've started a new account on FitDay. I've decided that keeping track of my calorie intake is what I need to do in order to look out for myself. I'll be making a point to log in twice a day to update food: once after lunch, once after dinner.

Second, I'm starting a new workout schedule, and I'm hoping that it can get me into the mode of going to the gym/working out 6 times a week. I need to do this in order to get myself in the habit. Without the habit, I never make it a point to where working out is 'just part of my day'.

I'm also taking on some of the Insanity workouts as my source of cardio for the day. I am still training for a half marathon in the spring, so I will have some long runs worked into my routine.

I have a goal date in mind: to see how fit, strong, and healthy I can become by August 30th. Wait, why that date?

Because. I don't want to ring in my 28th birthday feeling the way I do. I've spent 28 years fighting bad diets, emotional attachment to food, lack of exercise, and genes. No more. I'm tired of it!!!

So. Here are my goals (with no deadlines!):

1. To make every workout worth it. To BRING IT.
2. To make sure I work out every day I'm scheduled to work out.
3. To first take a breath and think before I eat. Am I hungry? Do I really want to waste my hard work on this food?
4. To drink 3 liters of water a day. At least.
5. To reward myself with something other than food when I reach a goal.
6. To foam roll after EVERY workout.
7. To look in the mirror every morning and love myself out loud.

Month One:

Sundays: Rest/Yoga
Mondays: Full Body w/Abs, Cardio
Tuesdays: Long Run
Wednesdays: Full Body w/Abs
Thursdays: Short Run, Yoga
Fridays: Full Body w/Abs, Cardio
Saturdays: Insanity Plyometric Cardio Circuit

Wishful Thinking

I don't know if it's the time of year or what, but there's one thing I've noticed a lot of lately:

People comparing themselves to others: another woman in the gym, a sister, a celebrity, or someone they're friends with. It makes me aware of my own comparisons.

I almost always compare myself to my sisters. Why? Because they're the same blood...I should look like them, right? Not. They're 25 and 24. I'm 27, so the oldest. They're 5'3" and 5'1". I'm 5'8". They're small-framed, and I'm not. They have straight, perfect hair. I have wavy, coarse hair. They've got green eyes; I've got blue. The only thing we DO have in common, body-wise, is that all three of us have two kids each.

They're both thin. I'm still, as usual, like my entire life, struggling with my weight.

I'm constantly comparing myself to them, and what I'm beginning to notice is that I am not them. Nothing about the two of them, compared to me, is the same. They both gained twice the amount of weight with each of their pregnancies than I have with mine, and look at them now: thin, happy, and completely capable of walking into a store, trying something on, and not walk out crying. (Well, unless of course they're having a "fat" moment that every woman has on occasion.)

I don't, on a daily basis, compare myself with anyone, and this is a huge difference from when I was in high school. However, what I do do is wish a lot. I think about what I'll look like thin, what it'd be like to walk into a store and buy a piece of clothing without looking for everything with an empire waist, and what it'd be like to finally wear all of the clothes that I have in my closet waiting for the "thin Melissa" to show up.

It'd be so nice to not look in the mirror and see an overly flabby tummy.

I'm hormonal right now...this doesn't help.

I'm always getting geared up to do something and work hard, but I've been backing down again. This can't be a good sign. Why is it that when you think of what you'll look in the future after all the hard work, you lose sight of that soon thereafter? I don't know what my issue is.

I'm glad I've never really compared myself to anyone but my sisters...but what I realize is that wishful thinking, the kind where you start looking in the mirror and picking yourself apart, is no healthier. I need to start making wiser decisions and get a move on. I'm tired of this sad feeling...and I need to start being stronger. For myself.

Jumping Hurdles

I'm feeling badass these days! Why?

I'll tell you why.

I had a great discussion with a friend, Isabel, about my workouts. I've never been able to figure out how to come up with an optimal plan that will get me to where I want to be. Sure, everyone can randomly do a lat pulldown or a chest press, but when and how do you do them in a way that will actually get you to a point where you're feeling and seeing your muscles get stronger?

She helped me understand the difference between certain movements, the block program, and bunches of other things. Basically, together we got a fantastic program put together for me, and after one day of trying the full body routine, I was feeling amazing.

Of course I go to do the second day, and viola! I get a call from my mother-in-law saying Madelyn has a really high fever.

So much for a workout!

After thinking about it, I don't mind starting all over again on Monday.

Here's where I jumped a major hurdle: I did squats in front of everyone at the gym. Yes, you heard me. I DID SQUATS! IN FRONT OF PEOPLE! Woo hoo!

I almost didn't, though...I actually looked over at the free weights section, saw two dudes standing there, and walked into the bathroom. I didn't have to use it. I could have gone into the locker room and stay there, but I didn't. I walked into the locker room and went straight for the bathroom. I felt like if I did that, anyone watching me would think I had left the room with a purpose.

Um. Hello. Now that I repeat that statement on paper, I have said to myself, "Do you really think anyone is watching you enough that you need to prove you had a purpose in leaving the gym!?"

Silly. Totally and utterly silly. No one cares about me that much. I'm a stranger there. I don't go around watching the people in the gym. I might glance at them, but I pay attention to my workout. Not the people. Hi, silly...so does everyone else.

Anyways, I looked in the mirror and said to myself, "If you don't do it now, when you have to, you'll never do it, and you'll never get to wear you want to be."

I walked out of the bathroom, through the locker room, and I grabbed the 30-pound dumbbells. And I did two sets of ten. I caught someone looking at my butt. Nerves kicked in, but I looked away and up, and busted the last set out.

I spent ten minutes in the locker room cooling down. I worked myself hard that day. Harder than ever.

This is the second instance in my life, when it comes to fitness, that I've realized it's all in your mind. Your mentality is what will decipher if you survive. If you think you can't, you won't. If you think you can, you will. You have to jump that mental hurdle, and tell yourself it's stupid to not do something for a reason as silly as "people watching you".

I'm ready to conquer this weight loss battle. I'm ready to start seeing some muscle growth. I'm ready to start feeling the energy that comes with those two goals. I'm ready to start feeling better, stronger, and happier.

A Procrastinated Fresh Start

You know, I'd like to ask one question: why is it that when you take a break from watching what you eat to enjoy food without "worrying" about it, it's so dang hard to get back into the groove? This is just one thing I'm trying to conquer today...and it doesn't seem to be going well.

I'm currently starting a new blog, because I feel the need to freshen things up. I need to organize my life, get my head out of the clouds and into a serious zone. I need to manage my time in better ways that I do currently, because honestly, this is not cutting it.

First of all, I need to start planning things ahead of time. I'm not talking vacation plans or even plans for the weekend. I'm talking about planning meals, planning chores, planning projects. There's so much for a momma like me to take care of, and I'm so overwhelmed that things get backed up. I procrastinate. I make budgets I don't follow. I make workout plans I don't follow.

I started a new shift at work, starting at 6:30AM and ending at 2:30PM. Talk about relief. I got off today on time, got some diaper, filing system, and random shopping done, talked to my mom for an hour in the parking lot while picking up my girls, and came home and got a couple of things done. All before 6:ooPM. This is fabulous!!!!

My plans for now are to start getting in the groove of hitting the gym right after work. I won't have the excuse now. I was trying to wake up at 4:30AM in order to hit the gym, but, like most, I had the internal debate. The reasoning "the kids slept through the night...catch up on your sleep" always wins. Well, almost always. Now I have to wake up. I used to do this shift before my newest baby, Maddie, was born, and it allows for me to run any errands I have to get done on a weekday. Hello...why in the world do we all work until 5:00PM and the banks and post office close then, too? I mean, I bet 75% of the world works until then...so why not keep the darn things open for the workin' peeps?

As for my eating issue...I have plans to go pretty strict on the clean eating. Go ahead...make fun of me you "experienced" ones. Tell me it's not necessary to eat clean all the time or that everyone goes right for the "eating clean" in order to lose weight. Tough crap, man. I'm not doing it for a "quick fix". I'm not doing it because I was told to. I'm doing it because that's when I feel the best. I feel lighter. Calmer. More nourished. More hydrated.

Problem is, I'm craving "bad" things. Cookies. Rich dishes. BEEF. Part of it is monthly issues, haha, but I visited my sister this past weekend, and let me tell you...I had the best Blackened Chicken and Goat Cheese Quesadilla ever. Why is it that when we eat like doo doo, we want more? I mean, I feel like crap: sluggish, heavy, bloated, you name it. I can feel the difference in my body the second I eat poorly. Why do I want more?

Hopefully I can get this under control...I almost feel the need to "cleanse." Down a million glasses of cleaning product. Sweat some gravy.

I have a lot of things to get under control these days, and I have no plans in the near future. No trips. No parties. Nothing. Just plenty of time to get things done.

Oh. I just remembered...I have mutant dandelions growing in my garden.

Time to weed.