Almost Abyssal

Self Worth.

It's a deep topic, and it's one of the hardest topics to discuss, too. Why? Because it's taboo. Or so it seems. No one wants to admit that the have low self esteem. No one wants to admit that they don't love themselves...but what's even harder, at least in my opinion, is learning to love yourself the way you should.

Have you ever had someone tell you to "hug yourself in the mirror"? Have you ever heard someone look in the mirror and, out loud, talk themselves up? I do neither of those things. Most of the time, when I look in the mirror, it doesn't involve negative talk, but it doesn't involve positive reinforcement, either.

What it does involve is "I won't look like this soon" comments.

What brings me to talk about this subject is an incident with my husband last week. I won't get into marital details, for the sake of privacy, but I will say that low self worth is a huge burden on my marriage.

I don't believe in myself most days. I don't feel like I deserve half of what I have in my life. I feel like people are my friends out of pity. I feel like my husband is obligated to compliment me, because he's my husband. Same with my family. My family (and I mean everyone) tells me I'm smart...I don't see it. When someone helps me clean the house or take care of something, I feel like it's because I haven't done it well enough. I feel like I don't fit in at work. I've tried being myself. I've tried being what I thought other people wanted me to be.
I know this is all bogus crap. I shouldn't feel this way. There are tons of things that actually lead me to think this way, all dating back to when I was little, but I can tell you...it's very sad that the idea of hugging myself or loving myself out loud makes me cringe. It makes me feel stupid and silly. It makes me nervous - scared my husband will walk in and laugh at me.

I picked up a few books this weekend with my gift card from work. Along with two new "fit into" dresses, a yoga mat bag, some new running shorts in a smaller size, some flip flops, and some other goodies.

The books?

"Learning To Love Yourself", "Creating Your Best Life: The Ultimate Life List Guide", "The Self Esteem Guided Journal: A Ten Week Program", and "365 Yoga: Daily Meditations". Call me the crazy, self help lady, but you know what? I owe it to myself and to my family and friends to start healing.

So far, I've read part of the first one, but I haven't gotten to the part on how to start changing my mindset. I do know I fit the profile of someone needing to really help herself...because I put all of my efforts to love and please into my family and friends, and never into myself. This doesn't mean I will be ignoring anyone now...it just means I need to help myself and believe in myself for a change. Take a break when I need it. You know...the things that are obvious to happy people.
From here on out, you'll be seeing random posts about what I'm learning, because sometimes, people don't know to look for help...or they are too embarrassed. Why not share what I'm learning? Maybe it'll help someone find themselves, too.